“Man was endowed with two ears and one tongue, that he may listen more than speak.”
Hasdai, Ben HaMelekh veHaNazir, ca. 1230, chapter 26
Boy that is hard to do!
I am not a natural-born listener. Talking comes fairly easy and I have ofttimes been accused of enjoying the sound of my own voice (guilty!). But listening is much harder. Listening – deep listening, not merely hearing – is a gift we only notice when we are lucky enough to be in the presence of someone who really knows how to do it. The way they maintain eye contact – not looking at their watch, their iPhone, or over your shoulder to see if something or someone more important is coming along. The way they make you feel that what you have to say has weight, that it really, really matters. I always feel a twinge of envy whenever I hear someone describe that kind of experience because I recognize that I rarely am that someone – like most people, I am a work in progress.
In a prior blogpost, “A Palace in Time,” I mentioned paranthetically:
[I think a Buber blog on how the ideal teacher-student / teacher-parent relationship can be constructed just germinated! Hint: It all begins when the students enter the class for the first time and the teacher seeks the Godliness in each and every one.]
I think, heading into our first round of Parent-Teacher Conferences, it is time to bring this idea to full flower…
Martin Buber was “was an Austrian-born Jewish philosopher best known for his philosophy of dialogue, a form of religious existentialism centered on the distinction between the I-Thou relationship and the I-It relationship.”
The basic idea (and I realize that I am butchering it for the sake of brevity) is that when we treat others as objects, we are in an “I-It” relationship; when we treat others with recognition of the divine within them – when we acknowledge that we are all created in God’s image and treat each other as such, we are in an “I-Thou” relationship. Taking a deeper step (according to this idea) would be to say that when we treat each other with love, we invite God’s presence into our relationships. Not merely as metaphor, but as an existential fact.
Now that takes a lot of energy. So much so that it is perfectly natural to have “I-It” relationships or moments – sometimes I just want to pick up my allergy medication and go home; I am not seeking to have an “I-Thou” relationship with my pharmacist. I do, however, want to have “I-Thou” relationships with my wife and children and it serves as a useful and sometimes painful reminder of how hard that can be when Jaimee and I (like many busy couples) are forced to use email to communicate because we are two ships passing in the night. It is hard to invite God’s presence into an electronic communication…
Tomorrow our school will hold Parent-Teacher Conferences. One way to measure whether or not they will be successful, I would suggest, will be determined by whether or not we see each other as “Thou’s” and not “It’s”. Have we done the work necessary from the start of school to develop “Thou” relationships with our students? With their parents? We’ll know if we are able to identify the good that comes with each student and share it with his or her parents. We’ll know if we are able to share the difficult truths which are our responsibility to share and have them received in the spirit in which we will surely wish it to be received. We’ll know if we are able to hear difficult truths about ourselves in the spirit in which they will surely be given. The spirit of genuine partnership where only the wellbeing of the child is important. The spirit of seeing the best in each other, even when it takes a little more energy. The spirit that exists when we see each other as a “Thou” and not an “It”.
Ken yehi ratzon (May it be God’s will.)
Appreciated your candor, Jon, in describing that you too strive to ‘listen’ more intently; not everyone feels comfortable sharing that openly, especially when you don’t know exactly to whom you are writing; thank you for admitting you too are a work in progress! I greatly look forward to reading your blogs each week and respond primarily so you know people appreciate your efforts, but also because it’s an enjoyable exercise to do so.
With regard to Friday’s conferences, Steven and I felt the teachers we met with did an excellent job. Because teachers have been openly communicating throughout the year, there were no surprises. Our three girls have had a superb start to the year and look forward to each day of school – what’s better than that?! They leave school with a smile too (not because school’s over, but rather because they’ve enjoyed the day).
On a different note, having been out with friends this evening who have preschoolers, I am surprised how few people ‘out there’ and even within our school’s four walls are familiar with the incredible educational experiences and experiments taking place at MJGDS. While I’m happy to share how excited we are by what our children are learning, I do hope that more and more people begin to recognize and fully understand how fortunate we are to have this forward thinking, holistic approach to education in Jacksonville, within a Jewish Day School environment. In the meantime, please keep doing what you and the faculty are doing and we’ll keep spreading the good word – Shavua Tov!