As far back as the time of the Mishnah, we have been faced with the challenge of setting limits for our teens and children. Archeologists have unearthed clay tablets, dating back more than six thousand years, that describe how the adults of the ancient Babylonian community were completely confounded by the behavior of their children.
Clearly, this is an old and familiar problem!
Great teachers remind us that our children’s behavior often may reflect more about us than about them. Children raised in a household permeated with tension, manipulation, dishonesty, distrust, or depression may act high-strung, deceitful, morose, uncaring, rebellious, unsure, listless, inattentive, or angry. A classic rabbinic parable tells of a man who opened a perfumery in a marketplace frequented by prostitutes and unsavory businesspeople. One day, the man caught his son in the company of prostitutes and in the midst of a deceitful business deal. Incensed, he began to shout insults and threats at his son. Finally, one of the merchants retaliated by asking the man what he expected his son to do and who he expected his son to become when he placed these influences in his environment.
Do you deal with conflict by exploding, pouting, surrendering, bullying or ignoring? Well, if you do, chances are that your children will study your responses acutely and imitate them consciously or unconsciously. As Saadia ben Joseph, the tenth-century gaon of the academy in Sura, Babylonia, observed: “Little children do not learn to lie until they are taught to do so.” Similarly, it is often the case that little children do not rant and rave, yell and scream, hit and pound, ignore and flee, or bully and bluster unless significant people in their lives do the same.
The Hebrew word for parents is horim, which comes from the Hebrew word hora’ah or instruction. We are the ones who gently guide our children to proper behavior by demonstrating it for them consistently and persistently. We are the ones who teach our children about appropriate responses to disappointment, threats, challenges, and provocation as much by our actions as by our instruction.
The Jewish approach to discipline advises us never to shame a child or attack his or her character. We are challenged to teach our children that particular behaviors, words, and attitudes are inappropriate, immoral, unjust, or unacceptable while at the same time showing them love, patience, and sensitivity. Guidance and instruction are best achieved in a relationship. If we hold them, hug them, and honor them as human beings in the eternal process of becoming, we manifest the divine, supernal qualities of compassion and wisdom that sustain Creation even when flawed. We become our children’s models and mentors and by our example and influence, contribute to the world’s blessings and our children’s health and wholeness.
